Glee "Blame It On The Alcohol" Recap: Being Drunk’s A Lot Like Loving You

Glee, you self-fulfilling prophecy, you. A few bad episodes? Time for a really good, reminiscent-of-season-one, keep-the-viewers-coming-back-for-more episode!

It’s a shame that I’ve gotten so sick of this show that when the promos for Tuesday’s episode showed the kids getting drunk together, I was honestly thrilled. Why? BECAUSE NOTHING HAPPENS ON GLEE ANY MORE. Every episode goes as follows: Finn and Rachel break up and get back together, and Kurt cries, and Sue tries to bring down Glee Club, and the Glee kids finally accept that they are outsiders. And they never leave school. Getting out of McKinely is the best thing the show ever does for itself (hello, Kurt-Mercedes-Rachel sleepover), but those moments are few and far in between. 

But the strangest thing about Tuesday’s episode wasn’t that the kids were out of their element; it was that I hated all the music and still liked this episode! The dialogue was strong and the episode wasn’t too serious and so much was going on that it was able to stay afloat.

On to the recap: Figgins calls Will into his office and says that the school has an “epidemic” – kids are showing up to school drunk. He asks Will to have the Glee kids do a song at assembly that educates on the dangers of drinking. Because people think the Glee kids are super cool, so they will definitely listen.

Puck asks Rachel to have a party at her house this weekend because he is somehow aware that her dads are away – “this is the kind of information a guy like me tends to know.” I actually love their chemistry and this scene is adorable because she’s clearly charmed by him. Rachel tells him her dads left her alone because they trust her to be responsible, and Puck tells her “they left you alone because you suck.” HAH.

Rachel is trying to write original songs for Regionals, so she sings a really crap one for Finn called “My Headband.” Errr…Gossip Girl? Is that you? He tells her it’s crap, which is good of him, I guess, and that she needs to experience things outside of her comfort zone to write a good song.

Cue a 24-style split screen phone conversation with Santana and Brittany, Mercedes and Artie, and Puck. Puck can score some wine coolers, so “The Rachel Berry House Party Train Wreck Extravaganza is a go.”

Blaine and Kurt arrive, and LE SIGH, Blaine looks even cuter in normal-people clothes than in his Warblers uniform. Soon everyone is there and it’s lame so everyone wants to leave. Puck says the only way they’re going to stay is if Rachel lets him break into her dad’s liquor cabinet.

And then it’s the obligatory shots of everyone getting wrecked, including one of Santana doing a tequila shot off of Brittany’s stomach. Ryan Murphy, there’s ridiculous, and then there’s ridiculous. But then there’s Lea Michele’s perfect delivery of “IT TASTES LIKE PINK!” after chugging a wine cooler. And the shot of Blaine dancing around wildly. And Finn acting like he’s above it all because he’s the designated driver, and Quinn being a wet blanket, which finally gave me a legitimate reason to hate them both. And Santana being a sad, insecure drunk. And Artie shouting “making it raaaaiiin!” And these are the things, Murphy, that redeem you and your stupid show all over again.

Spin the Bottle time! Blaine and Rachel kiss, and it’s weird, because it goes on for a little too long. But we all know he’s going to question his sexuality this week so whatever. Then they sing “Don’t you Want Me, Baby,” one of my least favorite songs ever. But it didn’t really piss me off that much! Maybe it is easier to watch Glee cover bad songs that I don’t care about then to see them cover good songs I love and butcher them with too much auto tune.

Morning after. Burt finds Blaine in Kurt’s bed. We all know nothing happened, but Burt doesn’t, and he’s freaked out, especially because Kurt doesn’t even mention it.

Back to McKinely. Tina: “I need to close my locker and it’s going to sound like a gunshot.” Hah. The crew is all hung over. Artie gives them bloody marys – hair of the dog, he says. They all drink up and sing “Blame it on the Alcohol.” Another song I don’t like at all. But actually, the dance moves are fun and they look like they’re having a blast. And it’s great to see Mercedes’ voice featured for a whole song instead of Rachel’s. Schu loves it. They are so good at acting drunk! Uhhh, they are drunk, you dolt. Sidenote: These ridiculously extravagant sets that somehow pop up in the auditorium and the matching costumes and choreographed light shows…harder and harder to let slip. Partly because all Schu ever does is complain about the Glee Club budget.

Rachel gives a little bow when Schu compliments their performance, and then proceeds to tell him his vest is cute and he is “all kinds of awesome.” Again, Lea Michele is fantastic in this scene and actually beginning to prove she can play something other than herself. But Schu tells them that the song glorifies alcohol rather than educates on it. The kids tell him he's out of touch. They are already aware of the dangers of alcohol and this whole thing is a waste of time.

Kurt is giving Blaine hell about kissing Rachel at the party when she happens to call Blaine and ask him out. He says yes, and Kurt kind of loses it. But Blaine tells him that when they kissed “it felt good,” and he’s never even had a boyfriend before, and he feels like this is the time to figure things out. Maybe he’s bisexual. Kurt says that “bisexual is a term that gay guys in high school use when they wanna hold hands with girls and feel like a normal person for a change.” Hmm. Not sure what side the show is on here. Kurt is obviously upset because his role model, who has always been sure of his sexuality, is now questioning it, but clearly he’s also jealous of Rachel.

Schu tells Beiste that maybe the kids were right; maybe he is out of touch. He certainly doesn’t do anything for fun lately. So she invites him to her fave honky-tonk bar, where they sing a stupid country song together and he proceeds to get black out drunk. She takes him home and he drunk dials Emma (Schu, always with the maturity) and leaves her an embarrassing “Hey there sexy lady…there’s something I reaaaallly reeeeallly want to say to you” voicemail. We don’t get to hear the rest of it. Yet.

Kurt is over helping Rachel clean up after the party, or as she rightly assesses, trying to figure out how her date with Blaine went. She says it was great, but they didn't kiss. Kurt tells Rachel he’s sure she and Blaine have a lot in common, but in all honesty, they don’t have chemistry. Rachel says she’s going to kiss Blaine sober and if the chemistry is still there, then Kurt will have to "eat a slice of humble pie."

Will is hung over at school the next day when he bumps into Emma and apologizes for the drunk dial, but she didn’t get a single message. Golly, folks, I wonder who he called by accident. Sue Sylvester! There you are! She tells him she got the message and says something about finally having the tools to take him down. The usual.

Kurt's house, where he is being a little bitch to his Dad. Seriously, the profanity is not for affect. He’s being a brat. He finally admits it’s about Blaine liking Rachel. Burt brings up the other night and tells Kurt he needs to ask before he has a guy sleep over. Kurt pulls the “you’re uncomfortable with it because I’m gay” card, which is such BS, because it’s obviously not about that at all. Burt couldn’t be more accepting of Kurt’s sexuality. He just doesn’t want his kid having sex under his roof. He would say the same to Finn if he had a girl sleep over. It’s settled, then, but Kurt gives Burt the least sincere apology I’ve seen in a while.

The kids are about to perform at the assembly, but they’re nervous because they haven’t rehearsed and something always goes wrong when they perform at school. Rachel has made a cocktail that sounds positively revolting, and everyone takes shot of it – “To Ke$ha!” They perform Tick Tock, which is great (there’s an adorable shot of Beiste singing along) until Brittany and Santana vomit.

The next day. Sue is on the school intercom, condemning the Glee Club for their performance. She calls Schu an “alcoholic teen vomit fetishist,” which is perfect, and plays his voicemail for the whole school, in which he tells Emma that he loves the way she eats her lunch with plastic gloves, and proposes “one night of getting crazy, rolling around in the hay.” Emma hears the whole thing, of course, and is obviously embarrassed but also visibly touched.

The Glee Club comes into Figgins’ office, all ready to get suspended, and he’s like “That special-effect vomiting was awesome! No one wants to drink any more! Good job!” Saaaaaweeeettttt. And Schu gets a free pass because Figgins’ pastor has agreed to talk to him, to which Schu is like, “Sure thing man! Never happening!”

Glee Club reunites in the classroom. Rachel never wants to drink again, Brittany says the assembly performance wouldn’t have worked without it. Schu gives them a pretty legit lecture, telling them what they did was not only unprofessional and stupid, it was illegal. Quinn, stupid snarky loser that she is, tells Schu that “it’s a fair amount of the pot calling the kettle black.” Brittany, in her best line in a while: “That is so racist.” Schu says he knows how hypocritical he sounds, so he’s going to stop drinking. He has more to live for. Like what? He doesn’t answer. Any way, he gives the kids sheets to sign, pledges to stop drinking until after Regionals. He puts his cell phone number in the corner just in case they feel tempted or ever need a designated driver. Everyone signs.

Rachel and Kurt are at the coffee shop waiting for Blaine, and it looks like Kurt has come around. He tells Rachel that she should rethink this whole kiss thing – no good can come of it, and no matter how he feels about Blaine, he doesn’t want Rachel getting hurt. But Blaine comes in and Rachel kisses him any way, and he’s like, “Yep, I’m gay. 100% gay.” And she isn’t hurt at all, actually. She’s psyched, because she had a 5 second relationship with a gay guy, so now she has lived! She has material to write a song about! And as we used to say at summer camp, a good day was had by all.

Quick shout-outs: Community had a pitch-perfect episode this Thursday, so much so that I didn’t want to write about it for fear of ruining it. If you're not watching that show, I can't fully explain just how much you're missing out. And props to 30 Rock for calling out Jezebel. Still one of my favorite websites, but they needed to be called out – for God’s sake, they write about “how far we’ve come and which women have the worst beach bodies.” It is a wonderful website, but it is a difficult website. (30 Rock also gets extra points this week because Jack said this to a teacher: “Quiet, Chalk Hands. A real man is talking.”) And finally, to Hugh Laurie, who continues to deliver on House. The last scene of Monday's episode was heartbreaking. He is at his best when the material is the most uncomfortable.

And finally, a reminder: liveblogging the Oscars tomorrow! Be sure to stop by!